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Just because she has been through trauma does not mean she gets a "get out of discipline free" card. He has to remember that and enforce it consistently now or he will have a hell of a time when she is older and realizes how she can manipulate him.

Tiny anecdote here: I'm about to become a doctor, and even I needed therapy after a traumatic incident early on in my life.

Needing therapy doesn't say JACK SHIT about you. We all need a little help from time to time. It'll be great for you and your daughter.

Please get yourselves the help you need. I agree. Therapy could definitely help. Hey being this clingy and manipulative, if left to continue into adulthood, could affect her relationships and ultimately her life.

As said, don't let the stigma get to you. I'm getting my degree to become a therapist, and I've been to see one numerous times.

They'll definitely help in curbing potentially detrimental behaviors and ways of thinking. Please do not listen to the "You are a parent so exercise your parental authority, end of story" comments.

Thats what you tell a kid who wont stop whining for more candy. That is not what you tell a child who has been through a traumatic situation.

Get professional help from someone who knows how to deal with traumatized children. This is great advice! With the Internet its easy to start to think we can find all the answers ourselves sometimes, but this is a complicated situation, and a professional counselor would help immensely, and take some of the pressure off of OP.

Perhaps its time to talk to her about the concept of private areas. Also you do need to stand your ground here as you are the adult. I understand you dont want to hurt her but in the long term you are causing hurt by allowing this dysfunctional behaviour to continue.

Good luck. Throw her an "I'm a big girl now" party, where you celebrate all the big-girl things she can do for herself now.

Tell her that because she's a big girl, she will now be allowed to wash herself, she'll get a bigger allowance, she'll get to pick her own clothes, she'll get a cell phone, etc.

Get her a cake and a couple presents, and get her other family members involved. Just explain to them that your daughter has continued to be very clingy in unusual ways, and so you want her to see growing up as a positive thing.

You want her to make a mental break between how she acted as a young child and how she will act going forward. Then, if she continues to ask you to do certain things, you can just remind her that she is officially a big girl now, so she gets to do them on her own now.

Good luck! You're getting a lot of shit for this from people who obviously have no idea what you're going through.

I can't even begin to fathom how hard this situation has been for you guys. Get some help from someone who actually knows what they're talking about rather than Reddit.

You sound like your heart is in the right place and you are stuck in a complicated and confusing situation. I agree with other posters that you need to establish boundaries and enforce them in a kind yet firm manner.

Give her a simple explanation to let her know that she hasn't done anything wrong, it's just that daddy is a boy and she is a girl, and boys and girls take care of their own private areas when they become more grown-up like she is.

However, you should not withdraw physical contact, you just need to make sure it is appropriate.

You can increase other forms of physical nurturing, such as brushing each other's hair or painting her nails and maybe let in her file or buff your nails.

I do hope you make it a priority to find some time to date. In the long run it will be great for her to have another adult around who loves her and makes her father happy.

OP, the part about reinforcing OTHER physical activities together is gold. Brush her teeth for her or something - something that can't be construed as sexual.

Just from personal experiences, it really sucks to have a girlfriend around; especially when things go south. It can also very very quickly lead to feeling like "daddy doesn't care about me any more", especially in these coming years.

This is the best response imo, and I really like the idea of replacing the bathing with another bonding activity. Although, I am not a widower I am a single father with two young girls.

My wife disappeared without warning and has had no contact with us for several years. I was in a similar situation as you, though I NEVER let them wash my privates.

Before the oldest started elementary school I slowly let her bathe alone and would check I on her every few minutes.

After a month she was fine bathing on her own without any help. The therapist told me that slowly transitioning would be better just suddenly ending It, namely because they had already lost their mother and it would be traumatic because it was a type of security to them.

I have wanted to date again, but right now I feel it is not the time. I need to focus my energy on my daughters. Though, oldest has started to tell me which women she thinks would make a nice mommy for "us".

In time, I will date again but not now. She is young enough to still want to be bathed, but is too old to bathe with you. You should explain to her that while there is nothing wrong with private parts, that she is old enough for you too to bathe separately.

My daughter is 10 and it is only in the last year or two she got self conscious. Though I never bathed with her, I was at least doing her hair on nights my wife was out until she could do it herself curly hair which was probably close to 8.

Even then, she did not like being in the bathroom herself for at least another year. EDIT: My wife started treatment for breast-cancer when our daughter was 7.

As part of dealing with it, our daughter regressed a bit, such as being afraid of being by herself, sleeping with lights on again etc.

Therapy helped her. She needs structure and boundaries, that provides more support to her in the long term than coddling and fawning.

Exactly, I felt especially when I read the part about how you originally managed to tell her that washing your privates wasn't okay, but then you relented - that's telling her she can get ANYTHING she wants.

Harsh truth: if you don't fix this, she will be an insufferable brat by the time she's a teenager. TELL her that group bathing is OVER Yeah, I don't think the problem that OP is having is with authority.

It's trying to balance out the right way to help her mature as a person vs. This is completely unhelpful. How it has upvotes is beyond me.

Did any of you even read it? God thats sad. Its so sad that our culture has become so over sexualized you can't even seek help thats needed because 'every adult male is a child molester' mentality.

If this was a mother asking, it wouldnt even be a question. Even if there WAS something funny going on. Maybe she should see a child counselor, she's obviously been through trauma and might even have PTSD.

And, yes, she will throw a 'sad' tantrum but you just ignore it. She only does it because she knows it causes you to cave in ;. She may take her own genital health more seriously if it is coming from such an authority figure, as problematic as that may be if it becomes a default.

Your authority that is: the establishment of healthy boundaries and the teaching of independizing life skills, including self-confidence is also crucially important at this stage of her life.

My mother had a doctor explain this hygiene to me at a similar age after a series of childhood urinary tract infections.

Girls actually do need to be taught how to wipe properly and keep clean otherwise they get UTIs easily and constantly which is really bad for health.

I don't quite understand why you think she needs to be 17 to learn about hygiene. And there's a way of discussing this in a way that is a age appropriate, b non-intimidating, and c provides her with the information she needs as a seven-year old.

Besides, establishing a positive partnership with a skilled and knowledgeable family doctor is one of the best things you can do to establish a lifetime of good health!

You're being simplistic. OP should get a therapist. Your advice is fine for someone in a common situation. Eh, I wouldn't automatically prescribe a therapist if OP can help her get to a place of self-comfort, self-confidence, and self-sufficiency through carefully-guided parenting, which can be learned from non-therapist professionals.

But, yes, the direct, intervening help of a edit1: skilled and knowledgeable! Remember edit2 : Therapists, much like doctors and other clinical stranger-professionals, can further traumatize the separation-anxious child and actually hinder healing!

This is why I was hesitant to prescribe a therapist from the get-go. At least a family doctor is a professional she is already familiar with.

This is not a good idea with a highly traumatized child. He is literally all she has on the entire world so him being strict and angry will really, really mess with her in a way that isn't comparable to a normal child.

It could be very seriously damaging and make her lose the closeness he has earned. She is a seriously traumatized child, she needs therapy, not someone shouting at her to act normal.

It's a bandaid fix. You fix this one issue but ignore the underlying and more important issues and it doesn't help anyone in the long run.

This is not normal parenting, normal advice really does not apply. Someone said in here that fixing the bathroom issue is only solving a symptom and I totally agree.

Therapy or some kind of external help is really needed but for now, being firm but not mean about keeping bathroom time separate will help.

Normally yes, but this girl hasn't had a normal childhood so I don't think that would be wise - if OP can afford it I'd go to a psychiatrist.

First, I am truly sorry for your loss. I had a friend of mine that went through a similar experience losing his wife at a young age to cancer.

He was the same as you and was a single father raising a small girl on his own. As a father myself I would recommend having the private areas conversation with her.

I also think you are just going to have to tell her no and she is old enough to bath herself. She may get upset and chances are she will, but this does not need to go on any longer.

It needs to stop immediately because the older she gets the worse it will get. Good luck and I hope things go well for you.

Some harsh words on here! OP it's obvious you're a caring dad if you recognize the dilemma you're in and want to handle the situation properly.

I really think it would help both of you out now. You two have been through a lot and with the right help I'm sure you could find a way to cope and bond in a way that won't be uncomfortable for you.

I know a lot of people have said this, but I agree, I really think therapy is your best avenue to approach not only this, but the other trauma of losing both her mother and her grandmother.

If this isn't addressed soon, it will become a much bigger problem. You both really need to seek a professional to help you heal.

You very much need to learn to create healthy boundaries. Of course, you want a close bond with your daughter. But the way things are currently with bathing is very inappropriate.

She is old enough to remember you washing her and you letting her wash you. What is she going to think about you when she is old enough to understand how seriously messed up that is to allow?

I'm not trying to be rude by any means, just honest. My husband lost his father young. He lived in fear for years about losing his mother too.

They have a very strong bond. But she never got help to deal with the loss, and never dated again. Trust me, not dating because you think it would be difficult for your child is a big BIG mistake.

Someday your little girl will be a woman, and will go get a life of her own. While she very much needs you now, she will need you to not be alone and miserable in a few decades and feel free to have a life and family of her own without feeling guilty.

It is so so important for you to move forward with your life and find happiness and love again. For you and for her. Best wishes to you.

I hope you can get this issue resolved and both have a bright wonderful future. You need to stand up and say "no" and she needs to learn to take care of herself.

I have a 7 yr old also and she may need a little help in the bath, but I tell her to clean her privates herself.

I am a little disturbed that you let your daughter clean your privates for you. Jesus Christ I had to come down THIS far to see this.

Obviously she may not get the connotation of doing something like this but he should! Geez, that's so inappropriate.

Plus how do you even budge there? She throws a tantrum so you let her touch you inappropriately? A dad here with a almost 4 year old.

I hear you loud and clear. Small steps mate and make it as if it positive for her to do. Fuck the people who bang on about tough love etc.

This has a far simpler solution than you think. I say solution.. Make her bathe herself, and insist she stays out of the bathroom while you're in there.

Yes it's addressing a symptom and not the problem, but it at least solves the issues now and gives you time to think about what to do. It's totally inappropriate and will cause problems.

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Girls Sucking Cock

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